I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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