The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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