I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
