Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
