If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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