Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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