he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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