Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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