Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
