I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
