this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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