Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
