her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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