Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
