I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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