Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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