guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
