I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You are the jesus of drinking
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
