I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
