mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
