so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
