Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
