Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
