Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
