So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
