I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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