seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
