u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
