Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Rumble strips road head = magical
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
