Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
