Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
