Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
