I could make wine with my vomit
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
