He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
