you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
