My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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