hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
