grandma shit on top of the toilet
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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