He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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