Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
