Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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