I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
