my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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