Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
