I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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