i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
