I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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