Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
