Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
