He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
